It takes a confident man to don a pair of budgies and step footloose into a public arena. There’s a lot to consider before you shelve the boardies and opt for a little less swimming trunk this Summer and it’s only human to feel both trepidation and possibly a little lacking. There’re tan lines, wedgies, the ‘shrivel effect’ of cold water and a whole host of mishaps awaiting the unsuspecting Budgie novice. Yet this iconic Aussie battler is #trending and making a big comeback at all the fashionable swimming locales on the Pacific Coast.
In order to test the validity of a survey which claimed that 99% of women hate their partners wearing d–k stickers at the beach, we recently sought out seasoned smugglers and surveyed 100 Aussie men over a few quiet ones at the local and while 78% admitted to regularly opting for a pair of knee lengths, after a couple more brewskis, when asked what they preferred, 65% of participants said they would wantonly wear budgies for the sheer feeling of freedom they offer and as a celebration of the male bathing suit.
The Budgie is not only for playing water polo and celebrities like Daniel Craig – aka James Bond and Prince Harry royalty – seen regularly on the sand in skimpy speedo style swimwear – but also for us everyday dudes – no six pack required. Manscaping is considered mandatory and highly desirable so exercise due diligence at all times. Release those upper thighs and stop hiding your junk. #BravoBudgieism, bring on the d–k togs and let’s #smuggletogether this summer baby!
The team at VPC predict we’re set to see a lot more budgie converts this summer. Why should the ladies have all the fun? To help you avoid being scorned as a budgie try-hard, we’re confronting this controversial and often divisive issue and heading yep, down there.
Here’s A List of the 10 Most Asked Questions You Were Too Afraid To Ask!
1. DO I NEED TO SHAVE TO WEAR MY BUDGIES?
It depends how hairy you are. If you wax or shave your body hair regularly then we suggest you go all the way or at least around the bikini line. No one likes a loose tuft! If you have been blessed with a thick set, regularly get surfboard wax stuck in your belly button and don’t know where your hair really starts and stops then NO, there’s no need to draw attention to this area. The natural flow of body hair from top to bottom is acceptable.
2. HOW FAR CAN I STRAY FROM THE SAND WHILE WEARING MY BUDGIES?
We constantly get asked how far is too far? It’s kind of the same for wandering bare foot down to the shops when you live near the beach. The rule of thumb is that if you can see the water, you’re good to go. So, feel free to wander fancy free, across the road for an ice cream but don’t go walking through your local Westfield, you might just blind a lovely little old lady.
3. WHERE ARE THE BEST PLACES TO BE SEEN WEARING MY BUDGIES ON THE NSW PACIFIC COAST?
For those looking to flaunt it a little, maybe you’re Zac Efron or semi-insta famous… Either way you can’t go past these three killer locations for a good smuggle.
Main Beach Byron Bay
Home to Thor, even Hemsworth himself has been spotted in a pair of Budgies, soaking up some sunshine on this iconic stretch of sand. Stay at Elements of Byron this backdrop makes for the perfect Insta-moment – ever so cool!
Just a couple of hours from Sydney, this beautiful stretch offers the perfect chance to stretch your legs. Feel free to wander the entire 1.7km in your Budgies. Make sure you stop for the ultimate rockpool selfie at the south end. The monthly Avoca beachside markets, set right on the water offer the perfect chance to wander free from the sand. If your budgieing with the family and you like the finer things in life look at Anchor in Avoca Beach.
Just south of the border and with the skyline of the Gold Coast visible to the north, stay at La Rocher Eco Retreat, as Cabarita is a mecca for Budgie lovers. Here you will meet other Budgie wearers in a comfortable, safe and acceptable environment. With plenty of accommodation options from beach houses to resorts set right on the water, you will barely need to pack anything else – maybe just another pair of budgies.
4. WILL I GET A WEDGIE IF I WEAR MY BUDGIES ON A POOL SLIDE?
You might, but If you do, it’s important that you own that moment, keep your head held high & soldier on. Embrace it and don’t be afraid to make fun of yourself. 25% of surf boat rowers attest to enjoying a wedgie and have even been known to self wedgie so they can slide along the wet seat to complete the full rowing action. With that in mind, you might even beat your ‘PB’ and smash that downhill slide.
5. HOW CAN I LOOK SOMEONE IN THE EYE AND HAVE A SERIOUS CONVERSATION WHILE THEY ARE WEARING BUDGIES?
We’ve all been here before and it can be a struggle at times. The key is to act natural and try not to make it look like you’re trying hard not to look. Our advice is to tackle the situation head on. Take a breath, pause, step back, look the person up and down and tell them that they are rocking their budgies. Rip that bandaid off and get on with it because we’re all in this together. #smuggletogether
6. CAN I WEAR MY BUDGIES AS UNDERWEAR?
YES, you can wear budgies as underwear. It’s more about personal preference for the same reason anyone would wear regular briefs for swimming. Just keep in mind that speedos might not be as breathable and sweat absorbing as normal briefs due to the fabric composition. If you’ve got a long day of budgieing ahead a smear of vas in the right spot can help with any prospective chafing. If you’re in and out of the water all day, Budgies make the perfect choice.
7. DO SHORT SHORTS OR BOYLEGS PASS AS BUDGIES?
NO. Short shorts or boylegs do not pass as budgies. It’s kind of like kneeboarding – it’s a different kind of wave riding but certainly not like the rush of standing up in a double overhead barrel.
8. UP, DOWN, OR TO THE SIDE?
There’s really no unwritten rule that your old fella should be facing a certain way in your Budgies, or alternatively, There are no rules when it comes to which way the ‘old fella’ should face the crowd. Some guys prefer slightly centred so they don’t have to keep fixing themselves when it falls to the side. As long as you’re not inappropriately exposing yourself, go with whichever direction feels most comfortable. We say go with the flow.
9. CAN I WEAR MY BUDGIES IN THE POOL AT MY WORK CHRISTMAS PARTY?
Just like politics and religion, some things should always remain taboo. It is not OK to wear your Budgies in the pool at your work Christmas party. Even if you’re rocking a six pack or you’re super comfortable in your own skin, there’s a time to be PC and this is one of those times. Put your budgies back in the drawer.